For The Quantum of Light Magazine By KLS Fuerte Author of “Never Saw You Coming”
A very good friend asked me a few weeks ago: “How do you recognise a Player?”. I could not answer. Yet, I am the one who would often say: “He was a Player, that’s why it didn’t work out.” So, my friend got me thinking…
I might not be able to tell her how to recognise a Player, because they do not walk around with a sign on their heads, saying “Player here, stay away!”. That would be too easy and boring. The truth is, I do not think that all men are players, indeed, in my world, the Player is one of the most charming guys I’ve ever met! I believe so, because I have encountered so many of them. So, whilst I am not sure how to recognise one, I can certainly write about some of their common traits, simply because on reflection of my love fiascos, I realised that these guys, just the Players, not all guys of course, have a lot in common.
I do not wish to put all men in the same big pot of Players, because that would not be a real reflection of my mind. It is not ideal to be placed in a category as a human being, to be classified as a group, especially when this group is not being flattered by the general conception of what makes a “wonderful man”. However, for the purpose of sharing my thoughts and replying to my friend’s question, I will refer to “the Player” as the guy who starts like my dream, or your dream but ends up in my nightmares, or your nightmares.
Why you need to see beyond Players’ words
This guy, I think, knew exactly the words I wanted to hear, and he said them, just to see the light shine in my eyes and the beautiful smile on my face. On one of our first dates, I remember him whispering in my fragile ears: “I am a one-woman man, darling” and he turned around to steal a kiss when I did not expect it. He made my heart beat really fast, and I heard myself reply very shily: “Really? I am a one-man woman, so we are good”. He knew that to have me, he needed to act like the sultry Prince Charming he could be. Which woman could resist Prince Charming? We have been conditioned since our youngest age to read about him and wait for him, because we were made to believe that there is a Prince Charming for every one of us. The Player knew that too. Another Player, on our second date, asked me: “Do you want to get married?”, “Would you get married again?”. He posed many similar questions around the wedding topic to find out how keen I was, so that he could formulate his plans of seduction. How far could he push the wedding topic to show me that he was my serious dream guy who “was not looking to fool around”? I must admit that I fell in that trap so many times! Yes, it took me time and pain to learn about the Players’ ways.
I should have thought back then: “Why on earth is this guy talking about marriage, we’ve hardly known each other? That’s odd”. Instead, I was amazed I had found someone who could be serious about having a relationship with me, so I let my guards down and relaxed. The Players
had won their first rounds and could make their next move: to build my trust.
Why trading your Trust for Pillow Talks will not take you to the Altar
I am not sure that “A Player’s manual” exists, but if it does, I bet that “Build her trust” is the second chapter! So, there I was, dating yet another Prince Charming who spoke so well, telling me how beautiful I was and all the things we could do together if we continued to see each other and became a little closer. With every wonderful compliment I received, I reacted with glee and joy, because he was making me feel so good. Another trust trick was when he invited me to attend a family wedding. Yes, you read correctly, a family wedding! With this one, we had been dating for a month or two, when suddenly his cousin, whom I had never met, was getting married, and he invited me to attend with him. Was that not exciting and validating? Did I ever ask myself why I was meeting his cousins before meeting his parents? No, I did not. I trusted that the family move, cousin or not, was THE family move. At the time, I thought that this was a first step towards commitment! I am such a dreamy kind of girl!
Unfortunately, the “cousin-family move” was just the “cousin-family move” and nothing else. At the time, however, it was a big enough event for him to gain my total trust. In my little mind, if he was taking me to such a public event, introducing me to his family, as his girlfriend, then things could only get even better after that. I trusted him. The days and weeks leading to the wedding were filled with excitement and closeness between us. There was no way this guy was going to play me. Meeting his parents was only a question of time.
I should have asked him “Do you think we could meet your parents too? That would be so nice!” and observed his reaction. If he had dismissed my questions or presented me with some bizarre reasons not to meet his folks before his cousins, then I would have perhaps been a little more alert. I went with the flow, but it was not a good flow! The wedding invitation turned out to be an event where I felt like the “Trophy girlfriend”, the one who was just there to look pretty and smile, but sulk for days afterwards. I had had the perfect opportunity to ask him about who I really
wanted to meet at the wedding, to feel the real man behind Prince Charming invitation, but I let that opportunity slip, because I trusted him and that it would happen eventually.
Why a Fatal Attraction is never going to be a two-way street
With my trust in his pocket, the Player’s aim was now to attract me into his den to eat me, satisfy his hunger and leave me with a few bones lying around. A little dramatic picture, but I hope that you see what I mean. The attraction was the game to play, and he did it very well. He placed petals of roses on my path to his den, and I picked them up one by one to smell their magical scent. This is actually another trait which I have seen so many times and it consists in spoiling the prey, but only when it suits him. Let me give you an example. One other lovely Player was excellent at this. He often suggested a dinner and movie night, and we’d arrange a time and place together. I got myself ready, feeling feminine and sexy, and looked forward to meeting my Prince Charming again. As I was about to leave home, my phone suddenly beeped with a text from him. “I’m really sorry but I have to cancel, my ex has just called me and she needs support with a family issue, I will rearrange darling, I promise”. What? Yes, he had mentioned that he remained friend with his ex, but this, I did not expect. The Player had no hesitations in dumping our plans for what he saw as a better option. He attracted me, but it was only to be on his terms. Seducing me with fabulous romantic trip ideas to let me down like an old sock. Cleverly, he let me down with a smile, so I did not feel that I could be too mad at him. I trusted him.
Another time, the ex-girlfriend needed a place to celebrate her birthday with her friends, she could not do it at her flat because it was too small, so she borrowed my Prince Charming’s flat. It had a beautiful garden terrace which faced the river, it was an exquisite place for a lovely birthday! That was totally fine, wasn’t it? Yes, it would have been if I had asked “Great, can we join her birthday party too?”. Instead, I felt crushed and angered, frustrated to have to miss out on my precious time with Prince Charming. He also had to take care of the BBQ! No comments, I know what you’re thinking.
The last time, this Player gave me the attraction-let down scenario was when his ex-woman had a problem with her car. Prince Charming had to go and rescue her so far away that our romantic getaway weekend had to be cancelled. Had I been struck by lightning and not realised that my brain had shrunk? Probably. Why waiting for the inevitable to happen? Prince Charming was playing “Catch me if you can but I’ll let you catch me only when I want to be caught” and I should have said “Fine! Play with yourself then, I’m off that stupid game!”.
Well, my dear friend, if so many plans fall through to suit his agenda only, then maybe you need to ask yourself: “Does he value me?” but more importantly “Do I value myself?”. To me, it was quite clear that, had I asked myself those questions before, the answers would have been “no”.
The Players I met, threw their best cards in the game, but only to attract me. The best cards to show me what our relationship could be with them by my side. Had I paid more attention, I would have seen that I was on their sides, only when they wanted me to be there, not when I needed to be there. Where was the value there? Where was the love there?
Once the Player had spoken the good words I wanted to hear, lured me with the good plans I wanted us to make, my barriers crumbled, and he seeped into your mind to play even more. He learnt that to appease my disappointment and hurt, a romantic bunch of red roses the next day, with a text late at night filled with remorseful excuses, could somehow erase all the “mistakes” he had made and put the attraction game back on. I think that’s what love gurus call “the booty call”. He won! He played even more! Until the day I woke up and faced the truth that he was
nothing more than a bunch of nice words and empty plans, it was time to pack my bags. Unfortunately, for some strange reasons, probably wired in my DNA maybe, was some female warrior instinct and the strong hope that I could change the Player. I fell in love, energised by the challenge. I really wanted this Prince Charming and was ready to do whatever it took to have him. The only trouble is that the Player was getting bored of the game, he’d won me, it was not fun anymore. He needed to move to a new “toy”, a new woman.
Why playing a game by the Player’s rules is always a waste of time
As I fell in love, Prince Charming became nervous and started to feel trapped, even though I do not have a single deceiving bone in me! I identify myself with a river. His boredom meant that the incoming passionate phone calls diminished, the attention to details in his carefully-chosen loving words just vanished. He felt less charming, and I felt lost in front of the new man. Suddenly my adorable Prince was transformed into this cold creature, and I was not ready to deal with that. The more distance he put between us, the weaker I became, as I couldn’t take a
new direction with no guidance... Evading my questions, he was growing my desire for answers. The path of red petals of roses became a messy journey! Every single Rose I kissed turned into millions of thorns… The Player showed his true dark colours, and he served them cold, on a silver plate. On reflection, the Player always had a strategy; he knew exactly what he was doing at all times, nothing was never left to chance - he had done it before!
Once he had chased me into his den, and I entered it, he ate me and there was no more chase, so, he distanced himself from me… Time to exit! Of course, the Player chose his words with great care and he had the most beautiful words to ‘console” me: “You are a wonderful woman, but it’s me, I am not ready for a serious relationship”, those are the typical the “exit words” and speeches I have heard. I have even been told “I am not really keen on coming to your house when your kids are there, I’m not into that.” Was I expected to lock my children in a cupboard before his arrival? I never thought of that! Another common exit line I’ve been told was: “I’ve got to sort things out with family, it’s complicated”, “I must move away for work for a few months” or “I’m not feeling it, this is more like a friendship to me.” And the exit scenarios continued with a long line of useless excuses, all served on a silver plate, because the kind Player “never meant to hurt” me. How considerate?
Prince Charming must have felt relieved every time he successfully got rid of a new girlfriend and he could go back to his secret dictionary of attractive words to chase down and catch his next victim…
The cycle continued, and I had learnt another lesson in love! One lesson which I am deeply grateful for as I start looking for the guy who is NOT a “Player”. For thousands of years, Love lessons make the world go around. It’s a question of balance. We each have a role to play. People, Players, non-players come and go in our lives, all for a reason.
With experiences, I tried to recognise the Player’s seduction tricks as early as I could, so instead of suffering the pain of the exit moment, I would celebrate the new found freedom. I was prepared for the next encounter, as I learned to love myself first!
I must admit that the Players in my life helped me to ascertain myself better in the world of courting, or simply as a woman. Of course, there is a price to pay but don’t expect a Player to appreciate what you bring into his life-only you can decide your worth!
So, my dear friend, start asking yourself the difficult questions when you are facing some doubts. Have faith in your intuition, and learn to love yourself first! If you feel the Player’s tricks creeping up, you can move away, or decide to play too, but on your terms. Life is too short to be
dull, so let’s play!
With love from me, KLS Fuerte. to you.